Witches of East End 1×07: Unburied (In Which We Prove to be Really Good at Predicting Things)

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This week the witches go with a cold open that sets up the two main plots for the night. In one scene Wendy is sitting bound in a chair within a magic circle while Ingrid tortures her (We are guessing this is not “our” Ingrid; we are later proved right). In the other scene, which turns out to be a dream sequence, a night spent taking inventory at the bar turns into some hot and heavy action for Freya and Killian, but then Freya wakes up next to Dash. Love triangle juxtaposition action!

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Sharknado Defies Logic and Science in Its Pursuit of Camp

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Sharknado is one of the few SyFy original movies that actually became a cult phenomenon (SyFy’s motto is: if at first you don’t succeed, try try again) so when we saw it on Amazon Prime, we had to watch it as connoisseurs of silly SyFy movies. Overall, it was super campy movie that we both thoroughly enjoyed watching for its sheer hilarity.

The movie follows a bar owner, his two friends, estranged wife, son, and daughter as they try to survive first a typhoon and then three tornados that have thrown a mess of sharks into the air and in every available space on the land. There are sharks in the street, sharks in the sewers, sharks flying through roofs, and sharks in people’s houses. Eventually, the only way to save everyone in California is to throw bombs into the tornado, which will make them dissipate because of the warm air…or something.

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Witches of East End 1×06: Potentia Noctis

After last week’s episode whose theme seemed to be “ghosts gonna ghost,” this week we turn back to the ongoing theme of   “people always kill us.” With that, on to the recap!

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The Beast of the Bering Sea is 100% Hilarity

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SyFy had such great success with the shark craze that catapulted movies like Sharknado and Ghost Shark  that it decided to branch out to other horrifying things that live in the water. They searched long and hard until finally settling on: stingrays. But because stingrays aren’t really that scary, SyFy made them into blood-sucking, super-intelligent, flying “vampires of the sea.” The resulting movie is pretty damn hilarious.

The Beast of the Bering Sea follows a family of seafaring gold hunters. They have a rivalry with a seafaring mob-like group who are also after undersea gold. However, they are confronted by stingray-like creatures that attack them both in and out of the water. Teaming up with a marine biologist, the family manages to defeat the creatures before driving their boat off into the sunset.

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Dracula 1×03: “Goblin Merchant Men” is a Fan of Sex, Drugs, and Excessive Symbolism

We begin this episode with some slow motion beat down in Ye Olden Times during which Dracula the human is made into a vampire. During the process he sees a vision of Mina, and then some monks gleefully inform him he is a vampire now by pushing him into sunlight. Basically, the show would like to remind you Dracula and sunlight do not get along.

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This happy, friendly sun is Dracula’s worst nightmare and would receive a punch in the face from him.

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Once Upon A Time in Wonderland 01×04: In Which Gravity Only Occasionally Works

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Once Upon a Time in Wonderland is back, dear readers, with an episode full of drama, danger, and difficult decisions. There’s not a lot of alliteration, though, which is a shame.

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Dracula 01×02: “A Whiff of Sulfur” Replaces Action with Lots of Staring

If you were looking for more action out of Dracula, you’re going to have to save all your hopes for episode three, because this one is basically exposition and staring. Lots and lots of staring.

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Witches of East End 01×04: Freya Remains Boring, Everyone Else Does Stuff

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We open with the big reveal…Joanna and Baldy shifter were good friends back in ye olden times. However, she knifed his ear off because he turned in her girls for doing witchcraft, for which they were burned at the bad special effects stake. However, we don’t stick around these interesting parts long enough; we go right to modern day lesson time during which we basically learn that everyone should be careful with their magic. Shocker!

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Zombie Night: For People Who Like Yelling at Their TVs

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SyFy’s Zombie Night has a few more recognizable names than usual in the cast, but is still pretty silly. The main characters make so many stupid mistakes that we basically spent the whole movie yelling “you’re stupid!” at the TV. That said, it’s definitely not lacking in action. In fact, the movie hardly lets up for the entire two hour run.

Featuring Anthony Michael Hall and Daryl Hannah, the plot centers around two families trying to survive a zombie apocalypse. Like Grave Halloween, this one is light on plot so that one sentence basically sums up the entire film. There’s some light drama around trying to get to a safe house and a side plot where we follow the dumbest cop ever, but other than that it’s basically just the two families (and eventually one family) running and hiding and fighting zombies.

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Dracula 01×01: Sex, Murder, Drama, and Lots of Old White Guys

The British/American remake of Bram Stoker’s Dracula aired today on NBC and we think it’ll be pretty fun to watch, especially once we learn to tell the old white guys apart.

The show goes with a cold open of a mysterious archeologist slitting his greedy assistant’s throat in order to feed Dracula, who is buried beneath a tomb. Dracula greedily sucks down the blood (since, you know, vampire), and then he is suddenly in a bath surrounded by candles. There is absolutely no explanation for the quick change of setting, but we are assuming they are jumping ahead in time in order to get an unnecessary number of shots of Dracula (Jonathan Rhys Meyers) dressing for a party exceedingly slowly.

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This is not slowed down. This is the actual speed they had him emerge from the bath and dress.

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