OK Cupid Is Deeply Interested in Nuclear War

Recently, A decided to try out online dating, and R naturally assisted her. The first site she joined (because it’s free, and A is not invested enough to pay for this shit) was OK Cupid.

Part of the shtick at OKC is that you answer questions about yourself, OKC compares your answers to other peoples’, and anyone you look at will then be shown as an X% match, X% friend, and X% enemy based on this.

A lot of the questions are pretty nondescript; for example, “What is your political leaning?” Others are understandable or necessary; “Would you be willing to sleep with someone on the first date?” Others, however, fit none of these categories. Instead, they are just pretty stupid, or, alternatively, fairly anger-inducing. But, we have to make something out of the stupid, so, we blog about them.

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Now, without further ado, onto the stupid!

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How to Fail at Picking Up Girls (with Personal Anecdotes!)

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As you might have been able to tell from our blog, we are female. As females, we occasionally have guys try pick up lines on us. Sadly, the vast majority of pick up lines are either delivered at inappropriate times or in an inappropriate way, which leads us to believe that a guide to picking up ladies, written by ladies, might be helpful. To spice this up a bit, we’re also including some actual anecdotes from our own experiences as examples of what NOT to do.

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Cosmo November 2013: Working the Ratio

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Cosmo p.146, Nov. 2013. Photographer: Craig Cutler. Annotations by R.

Article: Working the Ratio

Author: Jessica Grose

Summary: This article boils down to one sentence: How to find a man while living and working in a female-dominated environment. That’s right everyone, this entire five page spread is about how to carefully craft yourself so that the few men around you will scoop you up into the wonderful world of coupledom.

Cosmo chooses to present this information by focusing on three situations in which you may face a dearth of guys: university, your profession, and your city. The magazine gives us a wide variety of advice, but, ultimately, most of it boils down to engaging in various activities because they will help you attract a man, not because they could be enjoyable experiences. Basically, make yourself super attractive bait.

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How to Fail at Halloween Costumes

It’s October, and we all know that means Halloween, which is one of the greatest holidays of all. You can show off your creativity and be rewarded with candy! It’s also not sappy and sentimental like those other holidays. Halloween exists to scare you.

This is the spirit of Halloween

This is the spirit of Halloween

But sometimes it scares you for all the wrong reasons. Sometimes Halloween is scary because of the people who fail at it. Below is a compilation Halloween costumes that are actually for sale and make us afraid in the “lose faith in humanity” kind of way.

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The Most Awkward Thing to Ever Happen to Anyone Ever

Everyone has stories that approach such a level of weird and strange that they seem almost surreal. Maybe you had a conversation in the park about Foucault with Jack Nicholson or your driving instructor enlists you to stalk her boyfriend as part of your lesson (Well, that last one is A’s story for another day). However, R’s story, this story, beats all of those.

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J. Bryan Lowder has the Same Philosophy as Hannibal Lecter

As vegetarians who try very hard to be vegan most of the time, we feel a certain responsibility to be calm, rational representatives for those who eschew meat. Mostly this involves common-sense things like not glaring at people when they eat meat in front of us and not being demanding when over to other people’s house for meals.

But, we do expect some respect in return. Which is why this article from J. Bryan Lowder at Slate, entitled “Chicken Stock Doesn’t Count as Meat,” is so infuriating.

The author begins with a story:

My hand, grasping a ladle full of steaming amber liquid, froze in mid-air. […] oh God, the stock. He was talking about the stock. Vegetarians were at that moment speeding up the express subway track toward our home, and, despite my efforts to craft a menu that would appease them, I had just failed by using chicken stock in the mushroom risotto … or had I?

I flashed my chilliest Stepford smile at him as I gently stirred the liquid into the hissing pot. “You won’t say a word, will you, sweetie?”

Douches After Dark

While it may seem at times that our neighbors spend all night on the balcony having loud discussions, this is not true! They do occasionally sleep. And today we have exclusive information on just HOW they like to sleep.

First, it’s got to be cold. They like the AC set at 69 in the summer and in the winter they just open all the windows. (Please note: it snows in the winter where we live).

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