Witches of East End 01×04: Freya Remains Boring, Everyone Else Does Stuff

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We open with the big reveal…Joanna and Baldy shifter were good friends back in ye olden times. However, she knifed his ear off because he turned in her girls for doing witchcraft, for which they were burned at the bad special effects stake. However, we don’t stick around these interesting parts long enough; we go right to modern day lesson time during which we basically learn that everyone should be careful with their magic. Shocker!

From here the witches split and go their various ways. Joanna heads to the courthouse for some depositions, because, remember she is still accused of murder yet pretty free to move about the town. Ingrid is, of course, in the library with her magically pregnant friend . . . and HOLY SHIT that baby grew fast. The sonogram has a clearly defined baby on it, yet it has only been a few days.

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This was legitimately the most shocking part of this episode to us.

Next up is Freya, who is bonding with Dash by talking about his former fiancee, which seems like a great bonding experience to us. Dash is super sketchy and refuses to answer anything despite his declaration that he wants “no secrets.” Dash’s mother, however, is both more forthcoming and more cryptic, simply encouraging Freya to get both her sons to come to dinner. Which seems like a phenomenal plan considering the fact that they hate one another.

The witches finally reunite for a nice lunch during which Joanna gets screamed at by the woman accusing her of murder. Wendy jumps right in and makes the woman cough up blood, so the witches make a quick retreat. At the hospital the woman has a super gross bug plant hybrid thing removed from her throat. It’s really disgusting, so we approve of course.

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Eventually a spiky bug thing comes out; it’s great.

Post-lunch Joanna goes straight to do some bad ass magic that lets her know what Evil Baldy is up to next, and we learn the central plot of the episode: stopping Baldy from killing Joanna’s character witness. Joanna decides to use her character witness as Baldy bait, and then we are back to the sisters.

Ingrid realizes she might be in love with Adam the detective. We are shocked, and she is not. Later, she and Adam go on a dinner date at the library, which doesn’t sound like a good date place for a librarian since maybe she would like to get away from her workplace for a date? Trying to protect Adam, Ingrid breaks up with him, which, good for her. She realizes it is safer for him that way, so she does it. We approve this move.

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Meanwhile, Freya begs Killian to come to dinner with his family; he refuses (duh). Freya and Wendy subsequently whip up a spell to make sure the boys show up at dinner, while we wait in anticipation for this to fail.

Freya tries to perform the spell while Wendy goes to seduce Freddie Prinze Jr. for no known reason. Eventually we learn that she really wanted some butterfly he had, so she takes it and then sexes him up. This is such a confusing series of events, and we still have not a damn clue why the butterfly is important enough to have sex with Freddie.

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Evidently Freya’s magic spell works since when she wanders into Dash’s manor while wearing very ugly boots, she sees Killian playing the piano. It’s time for some Deep Bonding over piano and childhood injuries. Mostly, they stare at each other a lot until Dash arrives, and Killian is left to stare from the doorway at the subsequent makeout session. Evidently this is just too much for Killian; he tries to make a break for it and Dash follows suit. Freya is stuck with her future mother-in-law. From this dinner of awkward we learn that Killian is “afraid of being happy” which seems a phenomenally dumb fear.

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While the most awkward dinner in the universe is going on we see Ingrid and her magically pregnant friend wandering around, and her friend suddenly collapses. Is this the promised death for Wendy?

Meanwhile, Joanna has been outfoxed by Baldy. He has long ago killed her character witness, is now posing as him, and has begun to voodoo doll Joanna to death. However, he first has to pause and talk to her a lot like any good evil villain. This gives her friendly lawyer time to destroy the voodoo doll, so Joanna is able to fire poker Baldy to death. Baldy’s cryptic last words consist of telling Joanna that he isn’t the shifter, he’s just a handy side villain.

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Except eventually Joanna comes out on top in this contest.

The episode ends at the hospital. Wendy finally reveals why the hell she needed the butterfly; she had to work some magic on the lady who saw the shifter in Joanna skin. Outside, Ingrid cries in the rain and then, just to really up the cliche meter, Adam the detective magically shows up to comfort her. However, by engaging in cliche rain kissing Ingrid has transferred her death love back to Adam, and he apparently dies via bloody nose and droning music.

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Look, we didn’t want Adam to die. It’s just that they fit every cliche possible into his death.

Next episode: the lady who had the bug thing in her throat starts to see bugs everywhere, so look forward to that! And we’ll continue to hope that Freya gets to to something better than moon over her love triangle.

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