Maid in Manhattan or Voldemort Falls in Love Ridiculously Fast

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SummaryMaid in Manhattan is the story of a working class, single mom falling in love with a rich senatorial candidate and being lifted out of her desperate situation. But first, she must dress up in fancy, stolen clothes and pretend to be a rich person. Oh, and there’s a dog.

VerdictRage and Frustration. Between JLo going along with this sure-to-fail ruse (while also being monumentally stupid about it at the same time) and Voldemort’s refusal to take the hint or take no for an answer, we were banging our heads against a wall by the end of this garbage.

Full Recap: In the first few minutes of this movie, we learn a lot about the main character, Marisa, played by Jennifer Lopez.  She’s a single mom with a son named Ty. She works as a maid in a fancy hotel. Her kid’s dad is absentee. She has crappy self-esteem, but she’s beloved among her coworkers and good at her job. Among her skills: wound bandaging, lavender placing, pantyhose buying, and grade A sass.

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13 Going On 30 Presents the Most Confident Awkward Pre-Teen Ever

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SummaryIn  13 Going on 30, Jennifer Garner stars as a 13 year old girl who makes a wish to become 30 and discovers that her true love was right in front of her all along. We discover that the sparkly “Wish Powder” that came at the bottom of cracker jack boxes had ACTUAL magic in the 80s! Damn you child safety laws.

VerdictMeh. It’s not nearly as bad as some other romcoms, but it’s hurt by the wedding day love confession plus the unrealistic portrayal of an insecure 13 year old succeeding in a thoroughly adult world.

Full Recap: Our movie opens with 13 year old Jenna. We immediately see that she is insecure, a little awkward, and desperate to be in the “popular crowd.” Her opportunity comes when she throws a birthday party and invites the most popular girls in school.

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Hate Review: Avatar Part 2

Welcome back, dear readers, to our hate review of Avatar! We ended Part 1 with Jake demonstrating how much better he is at being a Na’vi than the people who were actually BORN Na’vi.

The next scene shows Jake waking up as a human, then going to talk to Sleeves. 

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Sleeves is still relaxed. You can tell because he has no sleeves.

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Hate Review: Something Borrowed Part 2

When we last left our spineless couple, they were about to be run over by New York City traffic…in the most romantic way possible, of course.

After they survive this brush with death, Rachel goes home to count her blessings and finds a message on her answering machine from Dex saying that he hopes she comes to the Hamptons that weekend.

Once there, absolutely nothing has changed. Darcy is still in the dark, Dex is still engaged, and Ethan is still an ass to Claire.

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Hate Review: Something Borrowed

The downstairs neighbors haven’t been out much lately, which means we’ve been watching TV for entertainment instead of listening to them. When all alone in the apartment and on one of these channel surfing adventures, A stumbled across a movie called Something Borrowed, which is a rom com adaptation of the book of the same name. Watching it led A to yell at the TV a good deal more than is socially acceptable. R had also seen the movie (in theaters no less, though it wasn’t her idea), and so we decided to rant for your entertainment, dear reader.

Our movie starts with the protagonist, a girl named Rachel, hurrying toward a bar and telling herself that she sucks. In this, Rachel displays the only instance of accurate self-reflection in the entire film.

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She also wears horrible shoes. This is apparently a character trait from the book and not just a bad wardrobe department.

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Hate Review: Phantom of the Opera

The longest running broadway show ever, The Phantom of the Opera features some really beautiful songs that almost disguise an incredibly disturbing plot and intensely unlikeable characters. Here is our take on it (based on the Royal Albert Hall version on Netflix…there’s no way we’d buy this shit).

The play opens on an auction of boring old junk from the attic of a p opera house. Of note is a creepy monkey with cymbals on top of a music box and a broken chandelier. The rest of the play is a flashback, and we like to think it’s the monkey’s flashback.

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He saw it all, folks. And it made him sad.

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