Witches of East End 1×07: Unburied (In Which We Prove to be Really Good at Predicting Things)

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This week the witches go with a cold open that sets up the two main plots for the night. In one scene Wendy is sitting bound in a chair within a magic circle while Ingrid tortures her (We are guessing this is not “our” Ingrid; we are later proved right). In the other scene, which turns out to be a dream sequence, a night spent taking inventory at the bar turns into some hot and heavy action for Freya and Killian, but then Freya wakes up next to Dash. Love triangle juxtaposition action!

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The Switch: Just Another Friend Zone Movie

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SummaryAn uptight man stuck in the “friend zone” switches another man’s semen for his own when his “friend” decides to get pregnant via artificial insemination. Upon meeting his child, the man becomes less uptight, his “friend” finally falls in love with him, and they live happily ever after despite his huge violation of her trust.

VerdictIn the friend zone. There were some cute moments between the main guy and the kid, but there was too much crap about how awful it is to be in the friend zone. Also, the big plot point (the semen switch) was a major violation played off as something the main female could just get over through the power of love. She’s also an annoying character, so there’s that, too.

Full RecapThe Switch begins by introducing Michael Bluth in the lead role as Wally, who is basically the same character but with hypochondria. Seriously, Wally even has daddy issues like Michael Bluth.

Wally is narrating images of happy couples and depressed single people (like there’s any other type of single person, amirite?) with advice about love not being like a pop song and how sometimes it happens in a completely unexpected way.

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We’ll just leave this here.

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Witches of East End 1×06: Potentia Noctis

After last week’s episode whose theme seemed to be “ghosts gonna ghost,” this week we turn back to the ongoing theme of   “people always kill us.” With that, on to the recap!

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Dracula 1×03: “Goblin Merchant Men” is a Fan of Sex, Drugs, and Excessive Symbolism

We begin this episode with some slow motion beat down in Ye Olden Times during which Dracula the human is made into a vampire. During the process he sees a vision of Mina, and then some monks gleefully inform him he is a vampire now by pushing him into sunlight. Basically, the show would like to remind you Dracula and sunlight do not get along.

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This happy, friendly sun is Dracula’s worst nightmare and would receive a punch in the face from him.

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Once Upon A Time in Wonderland 01×04: In Which Gravity Only Occasionally Works

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Once Upon a Time in Wonderland is back, dear readers, with an episode full of drama, danger, and difficult decisions. There’s not a lot of alliteration, though, which is a shame.

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Dracula 01×02: “A Whiff of Sulfur” Replaces Action with Lots of Staring

If you were looking for more action out of Dracula, you’re going to have to save all your hopes for episode three, because this one is basically exposition and staring. Lots and lots of staring.

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Witches of East End 01×04: Freya Remains Boring, Everyone Else Does Stuff

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We open with the big reveal…Joanna and Baldy shifter were good friends back in ye olden times. However, she knifed his ear off because he turned in her girls for doing witchcraft, for which they were burned at the bad special effects stake. However, we don’t stick around these interesting parts long enough; we go right to modern day lesson time during which we basically learn that everyone should be careful with their magic. Shocker!

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Dracula 01×01: Sex, Murder, Drama, and Lots of Old White Guys

The British/American remake of Bram Stoker’s Dracula aired today on NBC and we think it’ll be pretty fun to watch, especially once we learn to tell the old white guys apart.

The show goes with a cold open of a mysterious archeologist slitting his greedy assistant’s throat in order to feed Dracula, who is buried beneath a tomb. Dracula greedily sucks down the blood (since, you know, vampire), and then he is suddenly in a bath surrounded by candles. There is absolutely no explanation for the quick change of setting, but we are assuming they are jumping ahead in time in order to get an unnecessary number of shots of Dracula (Jonathan Rhys Meyers) dressing for a party exceedingly slowly.

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This is not slowed down. This is the actual speed they had him emerge from the bath and dress.

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Once Upon A Time in Wonderland 01×03: Pretty Much What We Knew Already

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Once Upon a Time in Wonderland is throwing backstory at us like it’s beads at Mardi Gras but unfortunately, none of it is making these characters any more interesting.

The episode starts with a flashback to the Knave’s past, revealing that he used to live in the Once Upon a Time world and his original name was “Will Scarlet.” Some quick googling reveals his place in the canon.

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Witches of East End 1×03: Bad, Bad Baldy

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We finally learn some magic this episode!

Mixing it up a bit, this episode begins with a dream sequence. However, it takes a solid three or four minutes for anyone in the audience to actually realize it’s a dream since it seems more like a series of disjointed scenes of the witches four. Freya wakes up next to her fiancee, goes to get a glass of water, and ends up sexing up Killian. Ingrid and Wendy read some tarot cards on the kitchen table, discover Ingrid is going to die, and Ingrid watches her hands turn white for what was really an unnecessarily long time. Finally, Joanna has a lot of intense staring with her shifter. But then they all wake up!

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