OK Cupid Is Deeply Interested in Nuclear War

Recently, A decided to try out online dating, and R naturally assisted her. The first site she joined (because it’s free, and A is not invested enough to pay for this shit) was OK Cupid.

Part of the shtick at OKC is that you answer questions about yourself, OKC compares your answers to other peoples’, and anyone you look at will then be shown as an X% match, X% friend, and X% enemy based on this.

A lot of the questions are pretty nondescript; for example, “What is your political leaning?” Others are understandable or necessary; “Would you be willing to sleep with someone on the first date?” Others, however, fit none of these categories. Instead, they are just pretty stupid, or, alternatively, fairly anger-inducing. But, we have to make something out of the stupid, so, we blog about them.

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Now, without further ado, onto the stupid!

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Cosmo November 2013: Ex Management

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Article: Ex Management

Author: Jessica Knoll

Summary: As expected from the title, this gem offers advice on how to deal with a variety of what are evidently stereotypical exes. The degree of horrible to which Cosmo’s advice descends is pretty dependent on the stereotype they choose to talk about, but it’s all pretty bad. Of note is the fact that Cosmo enjoys engaging in some totally healthy self-blame and simultaneously caveman-ifying the men by focusing on six ex stereotypes.

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Cosmo November 2013: Love & Sex Advice

This week magazine Monday comes with two articles, but both are all about Cosmo’s amazing advice regarding love and sex. Having in the past offered such great advice as “spice up your sex life by having sex in a small boat” (capsizing anyone?), we were ready for Cosmo to be particularly entertaining in this area. And we weren’t disappointed.

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We are READY for this.

Have Make-Up Sex Without the Fight

Author: Tracy Clark-Flory

Here, we have an article devoted entirely to advice on how to recreate what is evidently the unparalleled passion of make-up sex without the actual fighting part. Now, make-up sex can be pretty damn good and all, but I’m thinking it’s not the be all and end all of sexual escapades. Nevertheless, apparently it’s still deserving of some powerfully stupid suggestions.

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Cosmo’s sex and love advice makes about as much sense as this non-sequitor.

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How to Fail at Picking Up Girls (with Personal Anecdotes!)

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As you might have been able to tell from our blog, we are female. As females, we occasionally have guys try pick up lines on us. Sadly, the vast majority of pick up lines are either delivered at inappropriate times or in an inappropriate way, which leads us to believe that a guide to picking up ladies, written by ladies, might be helpful. To spice this up a bit, we’re also including some actual anecdotes from our own experiences as examples of what NOT to do.

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Cosmo November 2013: Working the Ratio

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Cosmo p.146, Nov. 2013. Photographer: Craig Cutler. Annotations by R.

Article: Working the Ratio

Author: Jessica Grose

Summary: This article boils down to one sentence: How to find a man while living and working in a female-dominated environment. That’s right everyone, this entire five page spread is about how to carefully craft yourself so that the few men around you will scoop you up into the wonderful world of coupledom.

Cosmo chooses to present this information by focusing on three situations in which you may face a dearth of guys: university, your profession, and your city. The magazine gives us a wide variety of advice, but, ultimately, most of it boils down to engaging in various activities because they will help you attract a man, not because they could be enjoyable experiences. Basically, make yourself super attractive bait.

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