Zombie Night: For People Who Like Yelling at Their TVs

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SyFy’s Zombie Night has a few more recognizable names than usual in the cast, but is still pretty silly. The main characters make so many stupid mistakes that we basically spent the whole movie yelling “you’re stupid!” at the TV. That said, it’s definitely not lacking in action. In fact, the movie hardly lets up for the entire two hour run.

Featuring Anthony Michael Hall and Daryl Hannah, the plot centers around two families trying to survive a zombie apocalypse. Like Grave Halloween, this one is light on plot so that one sentence basically sums up the entire film. There’s some light drama around trying to get to a safe house and a side plot where we follow the dumbest cop ever, but other than that it’s basically just the two families (and eventually one family) running and hiding and fighting zombies.

This movie is also notable for the changes it makes to the traditional zombie mythology. First, zombie bites do not turn one into a zombie. The only way to become a zombie is to die, but they had to do this because it would’ve been even less realistic to have characters this stupid survive the whole movie and never get bitten. Second, this zombie apocalypse only lasts as long as the sun is down. Once the sun rises, they all mysteriously become dead again. There’s a hint at the end that it may all start up again the next night, but we don’t get to see past the morning.

Now for the characters. There is a cop and two sets of parents, one with two sons roughly ages 17 and 8 and the other with a daughter named Tracy. Tracy is the best character in this movie because by the end of it she is pounding zombies in the head with rocks until their faces are bloody pulps. The other characters, though, are powerfully stupid. Here is a list of just some of the mistakes they make over the course of one short night:

  1. Using your daughter as bait
  2. Falling into an open grave
  3. Police arresting a man stealing TV instead of responding to distress call at headquarters when there are ZOMBIES
  4. Relentlessly insulting the person who is sheltering you from zombies
  5. Policeman randomly having a sniper rifle in his cruiser and never trying a head shot
  6. Opening the window with a zombie two inches away from the window
  7. Little kid opening the door with blood pouring under it
  8. Police shooting wildly at the glass greenhouse with survivors in it, then getting eaten
  9. Waiting forever to shoot the son who turned into a zombie.
  10. Still waiting to shoot the son and now father who are zombies.
  11. STILL waiting to shoot the son who is a zombie (another reason Tracy is awesome is that she finally put an end to this madness)
  12. Acting like branches are difficult to move
  13. Leaving the group with only your small son for protection
  14. Trapping your children in a coffin in a mausoleum when you expect that you will shortly die

These people really didn’t deserve to make it through the night.

Overall, Zombie Night was good entertainment for a slow Saturday evening, and we certainly got some laughs out of it. But seriously, these “survivors” need to take some cues from Michonne.

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Maybe Tracy will grow up to be this badass, but we have little hope for the others.

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