Cosmo November 2013: Love & Sex Advice

This week magazine Monday comes with two articles, but both are all about Cosmo’s amazing advice regarding love and sex. Having in the past offered such great advice as “spice up your sex life by having sex in a small boat” (capsizing anyone?), we were ready for Cosmo to be particularly entertaining in this area. And we weren’t disappointed.

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We are READY for this.

Have Make-Up Sex Without the Fight

Author: Tracy Clark-Flory

Here, we have an article devoted entirely to advice on how to recreate what is evidently the unparalleled passion of make-up sex without the actual fighting part. Now, make-up sex can be pretty damn good and all, but I’m thinking it’s not the be all and end all of sexual escapades. Nevertheless, apparently it’s still deserving of some powerfully stupid suggestions.

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Cosmo’s sex and love advice makes about as much sense as this non-sequitor.

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Dracula 01×02: “A Whiff of Sulfur” Replaces Action with Lots of Staring

If you were looking for more action out of Dracula, you’re going to have to save all your hopes for episode three, because this one is basically exposition and staring. Lots and lots of staring.

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Everyone’s a Liar in “Little Black Book”

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Summary: Little Black Book tells the story of an insecure woman (played by Brittany Murphy) snooping on her long-term boyfriend by investigating his exes. She discovers that her boyfriend is a lying liar, her “best friend” is a lying liar, and basically everyone she works with is a lying lying liar. This makes them all perfect for her since she, herself, is a lying liar. Then she meets Carly Simon.

VerdictIt’s complicated. On one hand, see above re: lying liars. There’s also the intense frustration that accompanies the main character’s insistence on talking to everyone in the world except her boyfriend, the painful and highly inaccurate climax, and a grown woman’s confusion at a routine gynecological exam.

On the other hand, the end is better than we expected from any romcom.  We’re not sure that overcomes the other things, but it at least changes the overall message the movie sends, which is a really, really good thing.

Full Recap: Our main character is Stacy Holt, but we begin with a quote from William Shakespeare’s The Tempest: “Hell is empty. All the devils are here.” Really puts you in the mood for a romantic comedy, right?

We then learn about Stacy Holt’s mother. She raised our intrepid Stacy to believe two things: you must be certain about everything (especially relationships with men) and Carly Simon fixes everything.

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Stacy’s mom also gave her the BEST NAME EVER.

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How to Fail at Picking Up Girls (with Personal Anecdotes!)

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As you might have been able to tell from our blog, we are female. As females, we occasionally have guys try pick up lines on us. Sadly, the vast majority of pick up lines are either delivered at inappropriate times or in an inappropriate way, which leads us to believe that a guide to picking up ladies, written by ladies, might be helpful. To spice this up a bit, we’re also including some actual anecdotes from our own experiences as examples of what NOT to do.

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Cosmo November 2013: Working the Ratio

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Cosmo p.146, Nov. 2013. Photographer: Craig Cutler. Annotations by R.

Article: Working the Ratio

Author: Jessica Grose

Summary: This article boils down to one sentence: How to find a man while living and working in a female-dominated environment. That’s right everyone, this entire five page spread is about how to carefully craft yourself so that the few men around you will scoop you up into the wonderful world of coupledom.

Cosmo chooses to present this information by focusing on three situations in which you may face a dearth of guys: university, your profession, and your city. The magazine gives us a wide variety of advice, but, ultimately, most of it boils down to engaging in various activities because they will help you attract a man, not because they could be enjoyable experiences. Basically, make yourself super attractive bait.

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Witches of East End 01×04: Freya Remains Boring, Everyone Else Does Stuff

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We open with the big reveal…Joanna and Baldy shifter were good friends back in ye olden times. However, she knifed his ear off because he turned in her girls for doing witchcraft, for which they were burned at the bad special effects stake. However, we don’t stick around these interesting parts long enough; we go right to modern day lesson time during which we basically learn that everyone should be careful with their magic. Shocker!

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Zombie Night: For People Who Like Yelling at Their TVs

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SyFy’s Zombie Night has a few more recognizable names than usual in the cast, but is still pretty silly. The main characters make so many stupid mistakes that we basically spent the whole movie yelling “you’re stupid!” at the TV. That said, it’s definitely not lacking in action. In fact, the movie hardly lets up for the entire two hour run.

Featuring Anthony Michael Hall and Daryl Hannah, the plot centers around two families trying to survive a zombie apocalypse. Like Grave Halloween, this one is light on plot so that one sentence basically sums up the entire film. There’s some light drama around trying to get to a safe house and a side plot where we follow the dumbest cop ever, but other than that it’s basically just the two families (and eventually one family) running and hiding and fighting zombies.

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Dracula 01×01: Sex, Murder, Drama, and Lots of Old White Guys

The British/American remake of Bram Stoker’s Dracula aired today on NBC and we think it’ll be pretty fun to watch, especially once we learn to tell the old white guys apart.

The show goes with a cold open of a mysterious archeologist slitting his greedy assistant’s throat in order to feed Dracula, who is buried beneath a tomb. Dracula greedily sucks down the blood (since, you know, vampire), and then he is suddenly in a bath surrounded by candles. There is absolutely no explanation for the quick change of setting, but we are assuming they are jumping ahead in time in order to get an unnecessary number of shots of Dracula (Jonathan Rhys Meyers) dressing for a party exceedingly slowly.

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This is not slowed down. This is the actual speed they had him emerge from the bath and dress.

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Maid in Manhattan or Voldemort Falls in Love Ridiculously Fast

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SummaryMaid in Manhattan is the story of a working class, single mom falling in love with a rich senatorial candidate and being lifted out of her desperate situation. But first, she must dress up in fancy, stolen clothes and pretend to be a rich person. Oh, and there’s a dog.

VerdictRage and Frustration. Between JLo going along with this sure-to-fail ruse (while also being monumentally stupid about it at the same time) and Voldemort’s refusal to take the hint or take no for an answer, we were banging our heads against a wall by the end of this garbage.

Full Recap: In the first few minutes of this movie, we learn a lot about the main character, Marisa, played by Jennifer Lopez.  She’s a single mom with a son named Ty. She works as a maid in a fancy hotel. Her kid’s dad is absentee. She has crappy self-esteem, but she’s beloved among her coworkers and good at her job. Among her skills: wound bandaging, lavender placing, pantyhose buying, and grade A sass.

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Once Upon A Time in Wonderland 01×03: Pretty Much What We Knew Already

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Once Upon a Time in Wonderland is throwing backstory at us like it’s beads at Mardi Gras but unfortunately, none of it is making these characters any more interesting.

The episode starts with a flashback to the Knave’s past, revealing that he used to live in the Once Upon a Time world and his original name was “Will Scarlet.” Some quick googling reveals his place in the canon.

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