Recently, A decided to try out online dating, and R naturally assisted her. The first site she joined (because it’s free, and A is not invested enough to pay for this shit) was OK Cupid.
Part of the shtick at OKC is that you answer questions about yourself, OKC compares your answers to other peoples’, and anyone you look at will then be shown as an X% match, X% friend, and X% enemy based on this.
A lot of the questions are pretty nondescript; for example, “What is your political leaning?” Others are understandable or necessary; “Would you be willing to sleep with someone on the first date?” Others, however, fit none of these categories. Instead, they are just pretty stupid, or, alternatively, fairly anger-inducing. But, we have to make something out of the stupid, so, we blog about them.
1. How do you dispose of your used chewing gum?
As long as the answer isn’t something along the lines of “under the desk” or “on my co-worker” who cares?
2. How do you feel about avocados?
Really? Assuming you don’t have a highly sensitive allergy, someone’s love of guacamole is going to eliminate them as a potential partner?
3. Imagine that you are put on hold while making a telephone call. A song you like comes on while you wait. Would you sing along?
Who cares? Seriously. Are you annoyed by singing? If so, you are really missing out on this thing called music.
4. Are you more horny or more lonely?
Common sense seems to dictate that these two might go together? I know OKC is trying to ask whether you are more interested in sex or love, but this subtle attempt is perhaps not the way to go. Because someone who is horny could quite possibly also be lonely. So, protip, nix this question OKC.
5. What is your back-up plan if you can’t find a date on Friday night?
What is this, Date or Die Fridays? Here’s a hint: some people don’t think that Friday means date time. Friday could mean go out to a bar with friends, catch up on a television show, play board games with friends, go for a long run, or any other activity that interests you on that particular Friday. There is really no need to assume that anything other than a date on a Friday is automatically a “back-up plan.”
6. How do you feel about germs?
I hope not positively? I suppose OKC is trying to ask if you are a germaphobe. If so, this is not something that you necessarily need to be telling random internet people about.
7. What if you found out, just before the wedding, that the love of your life was sterile and unable to have kids?
OKC is a big fan of these involved hypothetical what if questions. They are often situations similar to these wherein this situation is unlikely to occur in real life ever. OKC is clearly trying to reveal something about your morality or values, but it just gets tiring when these ridiculous situations are constantly posed as legitimate inquiries to be considered.
8. What should be done with your body after you die?
This isn’t necessarily a ridiculous situation considering we all die. But is this really something that we need to be discussing with potential online suitors? I’m pretty sure that’s a solid no. This is not going to matter unless you marry someone or they have some other significant relationship with you.
9. How do you feel about putting children on leashes?
All I think of is the Modern Family episode where they all went to Disney. So, no dice with this question. I also always just laugh at leashed kids, so my answer would just be uncontrollable giggling.
10. You are sleeping with your significant other, and it is very cold in the room. What do you do?
Uh, turn up the heat? Find a blanket? Hell, even have more sex could be an answer. Why is this a question? Unless you are a Frost Giant or the abominable snowman, the answer is going to be “get warm in some manner.”
11. Do you celebrate holidays?
Um. Ok? I kind of want to meet someone who says no just to ask them what their reasoning is.
12. In some contexts, couldn’t nuclear war be exciting?
But, fun fact time! During the Cold War the Soviet Union’s missiles were programmed to hit US cities. However, the exact locations were all universities. For example, the target in NYC would have been Columbia.
13. Is it *really* ok for men to cry?
I’m not sure what your answer would be, but OKC clearly does not think it is with the asterisk action there.
14. Half of all policemen are thieves and half are murderers. Does it follow logically that all policemen are criminals?
Why, hello there LSAT question! Beyond the weird hating on police, this is seriously just a logic question. FYI – the answer is no because the same half could be thieves and murders, leaving an innocent, non-criminal half.
15. Would you ever consider having sex in a church?
Why is this at all important? Maybe if you are super religious? Or a super atheist? Or REALLY turned on by pews?
16. Imagine that scientists create a new drug. When swallowed as a pill, it will completely and permanently eliminate all feelings of guilt for prior events. Testing reveals there are no harmful medical side effects. How should this pill be distributed? (Your answer choices here are over the counter, by prescription only, or not at all).
Yet another pointless hypothetical. Meant to judge your values, actually just makes me annoyed.
17. Do you avoid exposure to sunlight?
18. You are in an art museum when a blind man deliberately starts a fire. He becomes separated from his guide dog, and they are both wandering among the flames lost and confused. You face this decision; save the dog, save the arsonist, or save the artwork.
Yes. This often happens. Just the other day I saw a blind man break out his lighter on Starry Night. OKC, please try to judge people’s morality based on actual possible situations rather than this made up shit.
19. Are you turned off when your lover farts, complains about bowel movements, or exhibits any other human characteristics as such?
I hope not. Good luck having a relationship otherwise.
20. Would the world be a better place if people with low IQs were not allowed to reproduce?
Oh, eugenics, you so crazy. This question is admittedly more about the anger rather than the stupid. If you answered yes to this question R may want to hunt you down (and A would cheerfully provide the hunting dogs). Sterilization of persons with disabilities has been a horrible yet longstanding practice, so anyone who implicitly endorses that with this question deserves some bad shit.