Cosmo November 2013: Love & Sex Advice

This week magazine Monday comes with two articles, but both are all about Cosmo’s amazing advice regarding love and sex. Having in the past offered such great advice as “spice up your sex life by having sex in a small boat” (capsizing anyone?), we were ready for Cosmo to be particularly entertaining in this area. And we weren’t disappointed.

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We are READY for this.

Have Make-Up Sex Without the Fight

Author: Tracy Clark-Flory

Here, we have an article devoted entirely to advice on how to recreate what is evidently the unparalleled passion of make-up sex without the actual fighting part. Now, make-up sex can be pretty damn good and all, but I’m thinking it’s not the be all and end all of sexual escapades. Nevertheless, apparently it’s still deserving of some powerfully stupid suggestions.

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Cosmo’s sex and love advice makes about as much sense as this non-sequitor.

First, we naturally start off with a personal story from the author. Evidently, she and her fiance had a fight regarding the location of their wedding ceremony. Pretty normal stuff if you find weddings stressful I suppose. Making up (after tears and screaming, which doesn’t seem like a pro here) they have “the most passionate and frenzied [sexual] encounter we’ve ever had.” Which, ok. Whatever floats your boat.

But from here we move on to a short treatise on the joys of make-up sex. Evidently it is spicy, and that just made us want Mexican food with a powerful hunger. The rest is pretty run of the mill stuff about how make-up sex is nice; this is less than earth-shattering news. Then, finally, the article reaches the best part (and by best part I mean the most hilarious part): four pieces of advice from “experts” on how to “fan the flames of passion without lighting any dangerous fires first.” Mostly, I wanted to know how one becomes an expert on faking make-up sex.

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We pondered this question for a long time, yet we could not come up with the answer.

First, they advise you to get your blood pumping without getting so angry you break dishes. I’m sorry, but constant angry dish-breaking is not exactly a positive sign of temper control. So perhaps this is not the best comparison Cosmo.

But mostly this piece of advice relates to a need to “do something exciting together.” Some suggestions include skydiving or bungee jumping, so I hope no one in this couple is afraid of heights! If that’s too much, there is always riding a roller-coaster together. However, I’d point out that induces some logistical concerns regarding amusement park sex as well as possible pre-sex nausea, which doesn’t sound like a good idea. Finally, you can evidently just go for a run together. Look, maybe working out together turns you on, but I’m unsure sex post-run is going to be equivalent to make-up sex. Mostly, there is just more sweat earlier in the process.

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Really, you can just assume we are doing this for basically every piece of “advice” Cosmo dishes out to its readers.

Second, Cosmo recommends that their readers “ditch [their guy]” via solo trips. This is fine; go on some trips. However,  perhaps one should go on trips because they are fun? Not just a very expensive and very involved effort to have hotter sex? Additionally, there is a problem if this is the only time you and your significant other are apart.  Being able to exist as independent individuals is a good thing; Cosmo implies that the ONLY time you two are apart is for these solo sex-inducement trips.

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Third, Cosmo suggests that its readers go out and “get attention from someone else. Showing him you’re in demand with others is a foolproof way to instigate some jealousy and motivate him to win you over again.” Sigh. I’m sorry. I understand this might be a turn on for some people, but COME ON. You are presumably in a mature, adult relationship. You shouldn’t have to go out and play with people’s emotions (or at least lust) just to have some hotter sex.

It’s one thing if the whole lust and jealousy thing is something that turns you and your partner on, and you two acknowledge and play with that. It’s a whole separate issue if you go out and make your partner legitimately jealous all the time. It just ends up looking like this is not a relationship you are invested in.

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Finally, we end with a piece of advice my in-text notes captioned as “That is stupid. That is real stupid. That is some POWERFUL stupid over there.” And that advice, dear friends, was starting a trivial make-believe fight over who is the better twerker.

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Seriously couldn’t contain ourselves after that one. I know next time I want some hot sex I’m going to ask who the better twerker is.

Ask Him Anything: Love Advice from Our Guy Guru Ky Henderson

This article wasn’t an article so much as a series of reader questions, presumably answered by the titular “guy guru.” However, before highlighting the worst of the bunch, let me say that I am not sold on two facts key to this piece. First, I’m not sure this Ky Henderson is an actual person writing the answers rather than a name they used. Secondly, I don’t think a lot of these “reader questions” can be actual, real questions. Because otherwise there is some stupid out there that is both powerful and shameless. Given that, we’re not afraid to make fun of the questions also.

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With this in mind, on to the questions!

First, we have a “reader” worrying about “freaking out” the guy she is dating by removing her long hair extensions. Now, this question itself is a problem. I mean, what was she going to do in a long-term relationship? Never remove her hair extensions? Hope her man never realizes she is a human being? That’s unfortunate.

The possibly fake guru advises her that while guys can usually tell about fake breasts (Really? I’m not sure about well-done ones here guys), he probably has no idea about the hair. Thus she should calmly discuss the hair with him before just unclipping chunks of it. Which, whatever. I guess one shouldn’t surprising someone with a sudden and unexpected haircut, but Possibly Fake Guru makes her go through a hell of a song and dance first. She needs to sit him down, tell him she appreciates that he likes her hair, explain extensions, say that many actresses wear them, and then finally take them out.

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The second question asks about what appears to be a boyfriend with a lower sex drive. However, the fact that people naturally vary as to their sex drives isn’t even a part of Possibly Fake Guru’s answer. Instead, it’s all about blaming the woman for her man being uninterested in rabbit sex. She might have “hurt his feelings” months ago, he could need to end things but not know how, or just need to ask if there is anything she should do differently.

The asking thing by itself is fine, but nowhere in this list is there the suggestion that it might be something with him. Maybe he is stressed at work. Maybe he is tired. Maybe he naturally has a lower sex drive. But nope. These aren’t even mentioned. Instead, the woman has to “be careful not to blame him” in any conversation about this issue.

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Question three just provoked one overwhelming reaction. The potentially fake reader states that the guy she is seeing is someone she met through a friend. However, that friend is gay, her guy likes going to gay clubs, and the friend and the guy met at a gay club. Why, hello there low-level simmering homophobia; just because someone hangs out with gay friends does not automatically make them gay.

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Question four asks if a relationship can be mended after she just found out her man “spent the night with another girl.” He claims they didn’t have sex, so the woman wants to know if they can patch things up.

Possibly Fake Guru is ALL ABOUT working to forgive and trust again. Which, ok. If you have decided, for whatever reason, that you want to continue to make a go of this thing, then, yes, you do need to figure out if you can forgive and trust again. But do you know what isn’t even mentioned as a potential option? Leaving him. Maybe, just maybe, this is a dealbreaker for her. It doesn’t have to be, but Cosmo starts with the implicit assumption that she HAS to trust and forgive him again. Really, deciding whether the relationship can be mended is something for her and her guy to work out, not her and a magazine.

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We are talking to you Cosmo and Possibly Fake Guru.

The final question, question four, discusses a dicey situation. This woman has a long flirtation going with a former boss that she still uses as a reference. He asked her out; she wants to say yes. According to my notes “this whole thing is fucked up.”

Admittedly, Possibly Fake Guru does say their professional relationship is already kinda shot to shit. However, he says that if she says no there is “no way” she can use him as a reference again since he might be hurt, but there is no mention of the fact that, you know, he couldn’t serve as a reference if they were dating either.

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And that’s all for this lovely set of articles. Some powerful stupidity, some woman-blaming, and some really laughable suggestions.

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