Magazine Monday Preview: Cosmo November 2013

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Who puts shoes on before pants? That is completely counterintuitive. Cosmo pg. 160, Photographed by Christophe Kutner, Annotations in red by R.

Magazine Monday won’t officially start until next Monday, October 28, but we thought we’d do a bit of a preview to make up for the lack of substantive posts so far this week. So, without further ado, here is a recap of Cosmo’s lovely article named “Man-thro-pol-o-gy.”

Subtitled “your guide to the male brain,” this short half-page spread seeks to explain how men think. However, instead of surprising us and trying to attempt such a badly-named theme with something approaching normalcy, Cosmo naturally decides to paint it in their typical broad gender stereotypes. You see, the article mostly focuses on what appears to be the issue of having sex with a new guy for the first time. Essentially, dudes don’t want to be judged. Which, you know, is positively shocking given that NO ONE wants to be judged too harshly in that situation, regardless of whatever gender they identify as.

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First, we have a paragraph blaming things on men’s “evil brain,” which is a pretty typical thing for Cosmo. We got it; men evidently suffer from a severe disconnection between brain and self.

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Next, Cosmo instructs its readers that guys can be “rusty” if they are “out of practice.” Which, I’m sure is true considering it would, again, be true of anyone. They also chose to imply that the only guys who are “great at sex” are those that have lots and lots of it. Which, you know, maybe some people are just faster learners?

The next portion is entitled “booze” and is unremarkable except for the fact that they use the phrase “whiskey dick” like it’s completely normal. Cosmo then moves on to a discussion of the “condom curve,” wherein they use the phrase “glove of love” for no apparent reason other than to reveal to us that they really like rhymes a lot.

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Finally, we come to the best part where Cosmo advises us that guys may be unfamiliar with your body if this is the first time you all have slept together. Now, that is not an odd statement in and of itself. What is offensive is the fact that the entire paragraph continues to compare women to objects, stating that, “You’re like a shiny new toy – he needs time to find the on switch, let alone explore the intricate little gears.”  So, don’t worry girls, you are just like that Playstation over there.

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And of course, don’t forget “there’s no sexy way to tell a girl that she did something that made me go soft.” Well, no, there isn’t. But it’s better to just straight up say it since I’m going to go out on a limb here and say you wouldn’t want her to do the same thing again. Finally, this gem of a feature ends by telling readers that not all guys want to jump into the sack; some would rather wait. I don’t know about you, but I am shocked by this development.

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Conclusion: This article meandered a bit into gender stereotypes as per usual but mostly boiled down to “Guys are human! Newsflash everyone!”

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2 thoughts on “Magazine Monday Preview: Cosmo November 2013

    • Well, Cosmo seems to think you have it by reason of being male. According to my illustrations in the margins of the magazine, you have it if your brain grows a Hitler mustache, rubs its hands together, and starts considering cannibalism.

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