Witches of East End 1×03: Bad, Bad Baldy

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We finally learn some magic this episode!

Mixing it up a bit, this episode begins with a dream sequence. However, it takes a solid three or four minutes for anyone in the audience to actually realize it’s a dream since it seems more like a series of disjointed scenes of the witches four. Freya wakes up next to her fiancee, goes to get a glass of water, and ends up sexing up Killian. Ingrid and Wendy read some tarot cards on the kitchen table, discover Ingrid is going to die, and Ingrid watches her hands turn white for what was really an unnecessarily long time. Finally, Joanna has a lot of intense staring with her shifter. But then they all wake up!

wakeup

Except with much less enthusiasm.

But don’t worry! Because Joanna is still really stupid. Instead of teaching her daughters magic, she immediately burns the magic book in the fire that is conveniently going strong (despite the fact it’s clearly not cold outside), and then claims to have banished the evil shifter who looks like Joanna. The only beneficial thing she does is realize something is up with the mysteriously dead tree.

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Throwing the centuries-old collection of magical knowledge in the fire when threatened by a major magical enemy totally sounds like the greatest plan ever.

Luckily, Wendy goes off to teach the girls magic, because she still has common sense and logic. We have some somewhat humorous scenes of the girls learning magic (Ingrid pulls all the fish out of a lake at what appears to be the speed of sound), while, back at the house, Joanna secretly magics back the burned book. So, some logic is still there.

But then it’s out of the land of magic and back to the land of romance. Policeman whose name we still do not know awkwardly asks Ingrid out, she says yes, and we think “well, there is the answer to who will die in exchange for the resurrection of Wendy.”

duh

After this interlude whose only purpose is to establish that Nameless Detective will indeed be dying, it’s back to magic. Freya destroys some glasses with her anger when her bar patrons actually want their drinks on time (shocking, we know), and Joanna stares at the evil symbol that keeps on reappearing on her bed’s headboard.

But wait! Wendy has an answer! The shifter has made a voodoo doll and is sucking away Joanna’s power and energy. However, Joanna remains so far in denial she just yells at her sister instead of being grateful for some help. Of course, later in the episode we see that shifter in a Joanna suit has indeed made this doll, along with what appears to be a shrine to Joanna. So good call on that one Jo!

Because Witches of East End isn’t Witches of East End without love triangles, Freya and Killian have some friendly conversation intended to deeply connect the two of them. We were bored with this, naturally. The only thing we learn during this entire episode regarding The Greatest Love Triangle Ever is that Dash was previously engaged, Killian slept with his fiancee, and the brothers are not cool with each other. We are absolutely shocked by this development.

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Considering this was Freya’s episode-opening dream sequence, we hope no one was shocked by this development.

However, there is only so much time for relationship drama. It’s flashback time! We see the roaring twenties, the Victorian era, and some other time period where we learn Joanna has been a bit of a badass over the centuries. She poisoned people, flung them through the air, and buried them alive. Unfortunately, she has now exchanged that badassery for laundry doing. Personally, we’d like some more badassery from the ladies of this show.

Perhaps the show realizes this, because we immediately go back to the previously established Team Awesome of Ingrid and Wendy. Unfortunately, Ingrid loses some awesome cred by doing a Very Stupid Thing, namely trying to write and cast a spell for which she has no experience. As a result, her hands turn white and she screams a hella lot.

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This was seriously stupid. You appear to be turning into frosty the snowman as a result.

Luckily, Wendy finds Ingrid the Snowman and rescues her with some Latin recitation and magical hand waving. Ingrid is no longer possessed of super white hands! But that’s all we get to know because…..

…..We are back to love triangle land! Freya stomps into the bar (apparently directly after sex with Dash?) in order to yell at Killian. She just HAD to tell him that she hated him since he had slept with every woman Dash has ever dated. Killian, naturally, asks if Dash told her that. Of note, he never actually denies this. He just rambles about the “connection” he has with Freya before she stomps out of the bar. We later learn there is more to this story as Dash and Killian posture outside the bar. We are still less than shocked and less than interested regarding this development.

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This is essentially how we feel every time they spend significant time on the love triangle.

Hey, everyone, IT’S SHIFTER TIME! Joanna and her shifter twin are in the kitchen together, and they do some “My telekenises is better than your telekinesis” before Freya shows up. Freya, being stupid, cannot tell which one is her mother despite the fact that the shifter’s eyes burn bright green. Though Freya does eventually figure it out and manage to save her mother with her powers, so there is that. We also learn that in addition to being a shapeshifter, the bad guy can also turn into fog at a moment’s notice.

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I bet I can fling you farther than you can fling me!

Next it’s time for a Deep Conversation about lying. We learn that Freya hates lying, and Joanna seems pretty ok with the whole lying thing. Which really isn’t surprising considering that Joanna has managed to stick around for countless centuries. This conversation plus the shifter appearance does, however, convince Joanna to teach her girls magic. The shifter evidently appeared during this episode solely to push her into teaching her daughters.

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Hmmm. We spy a plot device.

We end with an Ingrid/Detective conversation in the library, in which we realize Detective is actually named Adam. He also shows up just when Wendy is telling Ingrid for the millionth time that someone she loves really is going to die. So, nice foreshadowing there show. The foreshadowing is really heavy as the scene ends with them kissing in the library.

And this episode ends with two parallel scenes. First, the witches four work out their problems. Sisters of both generations are all good, and the four have decided to go forward to learn magic. To solidify this fact, the final scene concludes with the witchy family doing a spell of protection by the Tree of Death as some appropriately mysterious music plays. Second, shifter is an old, bald dude! He feels up his voodoo doll and we cut to black. Tune in for more next Sunday and read the previous recap while you wait!

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Meet the shifter who has been wearing Joanna clothing this whole time!

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