How to Fail at Halloween Costumes

It’s October, and we all know that means Halloween, which is one of the greatest holidays of all. You can show off your creativity and be rewarded with candy! It’s also not sappy and sentimental like those other holidays. Halloween exists to scare you.

This is the spirit of Halloween

This is the spirit of Halloween

But sometimes it scares you for all the wrong reasons. Sometimes Halloween is scary because of the people who fail at it. Below is a compilation Halloween costumes that are actually for sale and make us afraid in the “lose faith in humanity” kind of way.

“Sexy” Costumes

We absolutely support a woman’s right to choose how to dress, including on Halloween. If you want to be a sexy cat or a sexy penguin or whatever, you are not a slut and you’re not “asking for it.” However, if you choose one of these “sexy” outfits, you just might be stupid.

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There are lots of costumes available if you really want to dress up as sexy food. Like sexy corn, sexy hamburger, and sexy lime wedge. They’re all ridiculous, especially when you include the bad “eat me” puns. But sexy pizza is the one that bothers us the most. We love pizza as much as anyone (maybe more), but can it really be called sexy? Maybe if you think grease is a lubricant.

Sexy-Straight-Jacket-Costume

How do you pick up guys in this outfit? “I’m crazy for you, baby. Literally.”  Or maybe “How about we go back to my padded cell?” You’d be super attractive to people who found mental illness hot.

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And for all the pedophiles out there, there’s a wide variety of children’s characters made sexy. Here’s Oscar the Grouch, whose head was chopped off and shrunken to serve as this lady’s hat. Bruno the Trashman is going to be SO pissed.

Racist Costumes

It seems like every year, there are people walking around dressed as a caricature representation of another race. Newsflash, people: this is racist. We show you these costumes so you can avoid them at all costs. Also remember, friends don’t let friends be racist.

sexy-indian-girl-costume

It’s depressing that it still needs to be said that dressing up as a Native American if you are not a Native American is racist. These are real people, a real culture, and a real history of oppression. None of the Native American Halloween costumes are remotely accurate, but the above is particularly bad. I don’t think the Navajo would have gotten far in those stripper heels.

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If you need us to tell you why this costume is repugnant, you have bigger problems than just failing at Halloween. The mustache, the poncho, the donkey, it’s nothing but a confusing conglomeration of Mexican stereotypes. But apparently there are a lot of really awful people out there because this one is sold out on the website.

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Are you looking for a way to be racist on the cheap? Then the Chop Suey Specs are the perfect solution at only $1.79. Just slap them on, head out the door, and you’ll instantly be broadcasting  your racism to the world!

So, to conclude, steer clear of stupid costumes this Halloween, and especially steer clear of racist costumes. If you decide not to follow this good advice, then please, steer clear of us.

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