Hate Review: Avatar Part 2

Welcome back, dear readers, to our hate review of Avatar! We ended Part 1 with Jake demonstrating how much better he is at being a Na’vi than the people who were actually BORN Na’vi.

The next scene shows Jake waking up as a human, then going to talk to Sleeves. 

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Sleeves is still relaxed. You can tell because he has no sleeves.

We find out that Jake has been giving Sleeves intel on the Na’vi, Hometree, and their most sacred place: the Tree of Souls. One wonders why Jake has been doing this considering that Sleeves, being the honest, forthright villain that he is, makes no secret of the fact that he plans to use the knowledge to destroy the Na’vi.

But it’s OK because Jake says that he wants to go through the final ceremony to become a full member of the tribe and THEN he can tell the Na’vi that their home is about to be destroyed. Somehow he failed to mention this fact for the whole time he’s been living with them.

Jake takes part in the ceremony, then goes off with Neytiri to the ancestor trees, where all the Na’vi souls go after they die. Neytiri says that this is a place for prayers to be heard. After praying a bit through the nerve-endings in their hair, Jake and Neytiri finally confess their love, and we find out that this is also a place for sex to be had.

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Please note, they are still among the souls of her dead relatives.

Which brings us to another thing that really bothers us. When Neytiri and Jake have sex, they link their nerve-hairs (you can see it in the “extended” version) and this clearly makes it a more pleasurable experience. They also link their nerve-hairs to their dragons and their horses and their dead ancestors. We’ll just leave that there, and you can draw your own conclusions.

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But don’t think too hard about it.

The next morning, Neytiri is woken by a huge, remote-controlled bulldozer coming toward her and Jake. Jake’s avatar body, however, is still unconscious because he’s human again. Luckily, he stops eating his eggs as a human and wakes up in time to smash the cameras on the bulldozer, which forces it to stop. Of course, that doesn’t stop the other bulldozers from taking out the ancestor trees.

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Also, the trucker outfit hasn’t changed in over 100 years.

Jake and Neytiri go back to Hometree to talk with the tribe. Grumpy is super angry that Jake and Neytiri are mated and that their ancestors’ souls are now double-dead. Just as Jake is about to explain that’s he’s a double agent, Sleeves wakes Jake up.

Sigourney and Jake try to convince Sleeves not to murder all the Na’vi, but Sleeves has a vendetta against blue people because a smurf killed his father. But the CEO is not such a heartless bastard that he won’t give Jake and Sigourney one last chance to convince the tribe to leave their home.

When Jake goes back into his avatar, he reveals to the Na’vi that he was sent to convince them to evacuate. He tells the tribe that there’s nothing they can do to fight the Earthlings and that they should just leave. Naturally, the Na’vi feel incredibly betrayed, especially Neytiri. They decide to tie Jake and Sigourney up, presumably to kill them, but they are interrupted by Sleeves coming to destroy Hometree.

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The Na’vi are, of course, completely helpless to stop the destruction or even make the smallest scratch on the gunships. As Hometree is bombed and begins to topple over, the shaman comes to Jake, cuts his bonds, and begs for his help.

Jake turns out to be of very little help other than yelling “Move move” at people.

Eventually, Hometree is destroyed. The Na’vi mourn its loss, the tribe’s leader dies, and Neytiri sends Jake away since she’s still upset about the whole betrayal thing. Jake gets pulled back to his human body and he’s put in the brig with the scientists. They’re not in there long, however, because Trudy comes to save them and they fly away amid gunfire as Sleeves tries to stop them.

An errant bullet hits Sigourney during the escape. However mortal injury is not as important as getting Jake back into his avatar body, so they go ahead and do that first. Once he’s a Na’vi again, his entire plan consists of riding the Last Shadow and not much more beyond that. That doesn’t matter though because he gets a brilliant idea about how to capture the Last Shadow: fly above it and jump down!

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The Na’vi definitely couldn’t have thought of this on their own. This is a white man’s plan.

Once Jake has the Last Shadow, he flies to the Tree of Souls where the Na’vi are holed up. At the sight of the big dragon, all is forgiven. The Na’vi practically bow to him, Neytiri apologizes for ever doubting him, and even Grumpy accepts him as the new leader. For his first act as white savior, Jake asks the shaman to save Sigourney.

They bring Sigourney to the tree of souls and set up a religious chanting ceremony. The shaman says that their god, Ewa, might choose to save Sigourney in her avatar body. When the chanting is over, Sigourney wakes briefly to tell Jake that Ewa is real and then she dies.

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Bye Sigourney. Your death was inevitable.

The shaman says that Sigourney’s wounds were too serious, but in keeping with the movie’s themes, this is another way to show that the “full cup” (i.e. the scientist who wants to study and explain the “magic” of the Na’vi) doesn’t deserve to become one of the Na’vi. As we’ll see at the end, Jake “Empty Cup” Sully does deserve that privilege.

After a brief mourning minute for Sigourney, Jake gives the Na’vi a rousing battle speech, telling them to use his awesomeness to bring the clans together. That’s right, there are other clans on this planet! And only Jake can bring them together, so it’s awfully lucky that he’s around and has his giant dragon.

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We were really worried there.

We enter another montage wherein Jake is gathering the clans. At the end of it, we see Sleeves again, recapping the montage and revealing his master plan: destroy the Tree of Souls. But to get there, they have to fly through the Flux Vortex. If you don’t remember from the last recap, the Flux Vortex was Avatar’s jargon-laced explanation for why islands float in the air, and radar doesn’t work in that one area of Pandora.

But before the big battle, we’re treated to a scene of Jake “joining” with the Tree of Souls to ask Ewa for her help in fighting off the Earthlings. Neytiri sees this and tells him that Ewa won’t help because all she does it protect the balance, she doesn’t take sides. Oh, silly Neytiri. Don’t you know by now that Jake knows more about your religion than you do?

So the battle begins in the Flux Vortex, where radar doesn’t work. However, guns still work in the Flux Vortex, which is handy because Jake, Norm, and Trudy use guns in the final battle. All the Na’vi use bows and arrows because giving a machine gun to the lab rat is far more effective than teaching one of the trained warriors to use a new weapon.

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This is definitely the guy you want to hand your most effective weapon.

After a few minutes of fighting, the fight’s not going well. Trudy’s dead (despite having a helicopter), Norm dies in his avatar body (but wakes up in his human body), and Grumpy’s dead (conveniently removing Jake’s only remaining competition as Na’vi leader). Neytiri’s dragon is dead, so she’s on foot, facing a platoon of infantry who are involved in this battle for some inexplicable reason.

As the platoon closes in, she speaks with Jake, who tells her not to attack. Neytiri is about to ignore the command when all of sudden a herd of hammerhead rhinos comes out fo the jungle and flattens the infantry! Turns out that Neytiri was wrong about her own god; Ewa was just waiting for the white man to pray for help before she actually helped.

Unbelievable

So, the battle turns in the Na’vi’s favor, Sleeves’ spaceship crashes, and Neytiri gets a cool new ride. But the fight’s not over yet, since Sleeves survived the crash in a Sentinel and is bent on killing Jake’s human body.

Neytiri tries to stop him, but Sleeves kills her cat and pins her beneath it, so now only Jake can save her. Again. Jake fights again, he almost dies again, but he is saved at the last minute again. His wheelchair rolls away from him, he starts to die from the toxic air, but Neytiri saves him. This predictable scene would have been a lot shorter if Jake had sprung for a real futuristic wheelchair, which would have held still so Jake could get in and then hovered over to the air mask. Problem solved.

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Seriously, that’s a wheelchair of the FUTURE?

When the dust clears, the Na’vi are sending all the humans off the planet along with their evil, evil technology. Only a few humans get to stay: the two scientists and Jake. Only Jake gets to keep his avatar body because, if you’ll remember, Norm lost his when it was shot in the battle. This apparently means that Norm and the other scientist will have to spend their entire time with an air mask on whenever they want to take a walk. Because they’re too smart to become one of the Na’vi.

Meanwhile, Jake’s empty head is permanently moved into his Na’vi body.

And thus ends Avatar, the highest-grossing, most boring movie of all time. It gets bonus deductions for its innocent natives-white savior dichotomy and irrational hatred of science. I guess we can “look forward” to the three sequels coming down the pipeline!

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