Hate Review: Something Borrowed

The downstairs neighbors haven’t been out much lately, which means we’ve been watching TV for entertainment instead of listening to them. When all alone in the apartment and on one of these channel surfing adventures, A stumbled across a movie called Something Borrowed, which is a rom com adaptation of the book of the same name. Watching it led A to yell at the TV a good deal more than is socially acceptable. R had also seen the movie (in theaters no less, though it wasn’t her idea), and so we decided to rant for your entertainment, dear reader.

Our movie starts with the protagonist, a girl named Rachel, hurrying toward a bar and telling herself that she sucks. In this, Rachel displays the only instance of accurate self-reflection in the entire film.

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She also wears horrible shoes. This is apparently a character trait from the book and not just a bad wardrobe department.

Inside the bar, there is a surprise birthday party waiting for her, planned by this woman:

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Darcy, Rachel’s best friend since childhood.

Darcy is engaged to Dexter, aka “Dex,” who met Rachel in law school 6 years ago.

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Dex is clearly in love with Rachel even though he is engaged to Darcy, and Rachel reciprocates. You learn all this within 5 minutes of the beginning.

We also meet Rachel and Darcy’s other best friend since childhood, Ethan, who is also in love with Rachel for the sole reason that no male, straight best friend in a rom com is really just friends with the female protagonist.

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Look at those puppy dog eyes.

Beyond these four, there are also Claire and Marcus in this little group. Ethan once slept with Claire but doesn’t want to have a relationship with her (see above in love with Rachel). Of course Ethan also doesn’t want to TELL Claire this, so he just calls her crazy behind her back instead.

There’s also Marcus, Dexter’s best friend who is a loud and proud douche. Rather refreshing honesty from this film.

So, they party. When Rachel leaves, she calls herself an old maid and laments that she’s past her “prime childbearing years.” She also says that she “wasted her entire twenties,” apparently doing things like, I dunno, GETTING A LAW DEGREE.

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Then there’s a contrived plot involving a purse that finds Dex and Rachel drinking alone in the bar together and then alone in the backseat of a cab together. No one is surprised by what happens next.

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Yes, Stefan, sex happened.

Anyway, Dex and Rachel wake up, freak out, and Dex lies to Darcy about it. Rachel has a flashback based on a Torts textbook to the first time she and Dex met. It is boring. So is the scene with Rachel helping Darcy pick out a dress where the movie tries to get us to hate Darcy enough to think cheating when in a monogamous relationship is OK.

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So if someone fake cries I can sleep with their fiancé. Lesson learned, movie.

This leads to yet another sudden flashback to law school when Dex asked Rachel out to a celebratory dinner after finals. At dinner, Darcy shows up. She’s the stereotypical party girl until she dares Dex to ask Rachel out on a real date instead of “whatever this is.” Dex looks to Rachel; Rachel says they’re just friends. Then Darcy asks Dex out for herself. Dex again looks to Rachel and she again pretends that she’s not at all attracted to him. Dex promptly begins flirting with Darcy.

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Thus marks the beginning of a contrived conflict.

This scene is meant to make us think that Darcy “stole” Dex away from her best friend. But that’s not reality. In reality, you don’t say “we’re just friends” when your best friend is trying to set you up with your crush. In reality, if your best friend flirts with your crush, you talk to her honestly and tell her how that makes you feel. In reality, your best friend’s narcissism doesn’t give you a pass to stab her in the back.

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When the movie comes back to the present, we find that the whole gang is going to Darcy’s house in the Hampton’s for the weekend. While there, Darcy tries to hook up Rachel and Marcus. Dexter tries to prevent the hook-up…right until he goes upstairs and loudly fucks his fiancé with Rachel downstairs.

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Rachel is a sad fat cat in the snow.

Meanwhile, Ethan continues to act like a dickbag by telling Claire that he’s gay instead of saying that he’s just not interested.

The next morning, Rachel announces that she’s leaving the Hamptons because she “has to work.” Dex offers to drive her to the bus, and they apparently have the most awkward silent car ride ever where they talk about nothing at all relevant until after they park.

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“Sorry, babe, if I try to talk and drive we’ll both be dead.”

They have the most boring conversation about illicit sex ever conceived and share some meaningful looks that are wasted on these stupid, stupid characters.

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You might as well gaze regretfully at a blank wall.

Through severally clearly contrived plot devices, Rachel and Dex end up alone (again) a few days later at a 90s cover band concert. Dex makes the SHOCKING admission that he’s loved Rachel since law school!

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But Rachel says that it’s too late! They can never be together!

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Rachel walks out of the bar, slows, turns…and Dex has magically appeared directly behind her.

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Like this, only romantic.

Rachel also confesses her love and they kiss. At which point we find out that they are standing in the middle of a busy street in New York.

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Apparently all of these cars replaced their horns with romantic music generators.

Sounds like this should be the end of the movie, doesn’t it? Boy confesses his love, girl confesses her love, they kiss in a questionably romantic setting. It’s all over but the details, right? WRONG! We’ve got a whole hour left to go, so buckle in for Part 2.

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