Hate Review: Phantom of the Opera Part 2

When last we left our hero/stalker, he was singing about getting revenge on Christine for falling in love with another man. But before we go on, there’s something that needs to be discussed.

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THIS OUTFIT!

He’s been wearing it the whole time, but now we get a really good close up of it. The hat is clearly 1940s gangster while the cape is pure spanish bullfighter. It’s Scarface meets the matador! Frankly, this play would be more interesting if he was a gangster who fought bulls in his spare time.

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He’s the BOO! Bullfighter of the Opera!


Anyway, the second half of the play begins with our favorite gay couple dressed fabulously.

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Hahaha! We love being gay and fancifully dressed!


Anyway, they’re hosting a masquerade party with all of the cast in attendance. Christine and Eyebrows arrive and Eyebrows is wearing this stupid jacket over one shoulder, and it must be stitched on there because no jacket ever would stay like that.

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Seriously, just make it a cape. The sleeves are really stupid.

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He can’t even raise his arm all the way for god’s sake! WHY ARE THERE SLEEVES?!

Christine and Eyebrows argue because Christine wants to keep their engagement a secret, and Eyebrows doesn’t. We’re with Christine on this; we wouldn’t want to be seen with a guy wearing such a stupid coat either.

Then, shockingly, the Phantom appears, and, let me tell you, Ruffles is at his ruffliest here:

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Do you think they went a little overboard on the hat-feathers?


So, the Phantom looks like an escapee from Dia de los Muertos while he announces that he has written a new play for the opera house called Don Juan Triumphant. He tells the managers to produce the play, ending his command with the ominious “There are worst things than a shattered chandelier.”

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Like murder maybe? Because you did that, too.

He also commands Christine to sing the lead, dropping this romantic line:

Your chains are still mine, you belong to me!

Swoon!

Everyone’s terrified and runs away except Eyebrows and Madame Giry, the dancing coach. Madame Giry tells us that the Phantom was captured by carnies as a boy and held as a sideshow attraction because of his disfigurement. She claims that the Phantom is a prodigy of everything from technical inventions to engineering to the arts.

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Now, here is the point when we’re supposed to feel sorry for the Phantom, and we do! That’s a pretty sucky childhood. But that doesn’t erase the fact that Ruffles is a scary murderer-stalker-potential rapist and Christine should have called the cops on him in the first act. A sad backstory does not a romantic hero make.

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The next scene shows the gay managers ranting about how awful the Phantom’s play is, Carlotta complaining about her role, blah blah. But Christine doesn’t want to do take part. She is rightfully terrified.

Eyebrows at first says:

Christine
Christine
You don’t have to
they can’t make you

But then the Phantom pisses him off by inviting Christine for more voice lessons and Eyebrows gets THE. BEST. IDEA. EVER. To trap the Phantom at the premiere! There’s just one tiny little problem, Christine has to sing for it to work.

Christine REALLY REALLY doesn’t want to:

Raoul, I’m frightened –
don’t make me do this
Raoul, it scares me –
don’t put me through this
ordeal by fire
he’ll take me, I know
we’ll be parted for ever
he won’t let me go

Too bad, Christine, Eyebrows has changed his tune (pun intended) on respecting your wishes:

Christine, Christine,
don’t think that I don’t care –
but every hope
and every prayer
rests on you now

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We really care about your feelings, Christine, but we wanna play assassin!

And in this scene, Eyebrows proves that all the men Christine is in “love” with are assholes. Girl needs to get some standards. Or a spine. Maybe Christine worries that she’ll become this lady:

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Don’t fear the solo dining, Christine. Just ask about the menu!

After Christine runs off, overwhelmed and terrified, we see the Phantom’s play being rehearsed (and by the way, it’s awwwwful). Then Christine decides to visit her father’s grave and sing to it.

After a while, the Phantom and Eyebrows show up because Christine can’t go anywhere without her two stalkers. The Phantom starts singing to her and Christine replies with this:

Angel or father
Friend or phantom
Who is it there, staring?

That’s right, gentle readers, she thinks that the Phantom is her dead dad talking to her. And Ruffles goes right along with this. Considering the whole “I Wanna Get Rapey With You” song from the first half, this is especially disturbing.

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Eyebrows has to save Christine from this delusion and from the fiery booby traps in the graveyard. Then we see Eyebrows giving orders to incompetent soldiers very poorly. Seriously, one of the soldiers asks when he should shoot and Eyebrows responds with “You’ll know.”

Needless to say, the whole “trap” thing doesn’t go well.

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Look how confused this poor guy is.


And now we come to what is perhaps the most disturbing part of this whole thing: the Phantom’s play-within-a-play.

First, the scene begins with Don Juan conspiring with another man to trick the man’s new bride into sleeping with Don Juan while thinking it’s her husband. Don Juan is going to hide under a black robe.

Right off the bat, this is a scene about rape.

When the actor goes backstage to change into his black robe, the Phantom kills him and changes into the robe instead.

When he comes back out, he proceeds to grope Christine while singing about raping her. Meanwhile, Christine acts willing given that she’s playing the role of a “loose” woman. All the while thinking that the man she’s with is an actor, not the murderous stalker who’s threatened her on multiple occasions.

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So this happens, and we both cringe.

Even the name of the song – “Past the Point of No Return” – indicates that Christine can’t refuse this encounter. Or it means they’re secretly GIANT Kansas fans.

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Fun Fact: R is a Kansas fan.

Anyway, Christine figures out who it is, the Phantom sings plaintively while giving Christine his douche-y pinky ring, all while the most ineffectual trap ever fails to close. In a fit of…curiosity? desperation?…Christine rips off the Phantom’s mask and we discover that the shellacked hair he’s been sporting is actually a really great toupee.

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Is that your brain? Because we think you’d be dead.

Ruffles is enraged, naturally, and drags Christine away to his dungeon before Eyebrows can rally his forces, but never fear! Eyebrows is quick to follow the Phantom after getting some advice from Madame Giry: Keep your hand at the level of your eyes.

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He never makes this motion again.

So, off we go to the dungeon and the FINAL CONFRONTATION! There’s a song or something, but it’s really not important. When Eyebrows shows up, he’s almost immediately caught in the noose that he was JUST WARNED ABOUT and Christine is given a choice: marry Ruffles or watch Eyebrows die.

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Dude’s even got a veil all ready, just in case. Bitch was prepared.

At first, Christine responds somewhat rationally:

The tears I might have shed
For your dark fate,
Grow cold and turn to tears of hate!

Because who wouldn’t hate this guy? But then…she kisses him.

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Seriously, it’s the biggest 180 in the history of the world! She sings this in one verse:

You deceived me!
I gave my mind, blindly!

and then in the NEXT VERSE:

Pitiful creature of darkness,
What kind of life have you known?
God give me courage to show you,
You are not alone…

All while her fiance stands on the stairs all noosed up

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Christine could have gotten him down. He’s standing on like the third step up.

Ultimately, the magical kiss of LURRRRVE makes the Phantom un-crazy and he releases Eyebrows. Christine chooses the lesser of two evils, but not without a lot of longing looks at her rapey stalker who MURDERS PEOPLE!!!

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Waaaaaah! Who will cast me in rape-plays now?!

Finally, the Phantom is left alone with the monkey, who witnessed all of this.

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Rest now, monkey. Your trials are over.

And, like the monkey, we are also done. So done.

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